| Johnathan Moore |
[Jun. 29th, 2005|03:15 am] |
specforcmedic: ok, so...sitting there in the aid station...putting pharmaceutical stickers on the condoms...such as, "for rectal use only", and "use as suppository"...when a young CAV scout requests STD testing...so we walk in to the exam room, have him drop trow...and pull out a 1.5 inch vaginal cotton swab and ask him if he's ready...then...after we get him to stop throwing things...we pull out the real GC swab kit and make him do his own urethral swab...such is the day of a CAV medic...
The stories I've heard, but yeah... he finds such disturbing things amusing. He's been gone waaay too long if you ask me. LoL. |
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| WHEN DID YOU STOP LOVING ME |
[Jun. 19th, 2005|03:53 am] |
*sigh* I love this song so much, John thanks for emailing me the lyrics... stupid me couldn't find them, heh. Granted I didn't even know the name of the song.
When did you stop loving me
How long have I been a memory
I’ve got to know for my own sanity
Tell me when did you stop loving me
Was it that night that you stayed out until dawn
You know that night has haunted me for so long
Or was your love already cold
Tell me please I’ve got to know
Darling, when did you stop loving me
There was a time when you worshiped where I stood
Heaven knows I’d bring it back if I could
I can tell when we make love
It ain’t me you’re thinking of
Tell me when did you stop loving me
Darling, when did you stop loving me |
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| What a day... |
[Jun. 8th, 2005|04:13 am] |
It started off completely horrendous, as those of you who have been conversing with me over the past couple of days knew. Stress is something that I, by nature, completely flip out over. Today was extremely stressful between 7 hours of school and 7 hours of work, I about died. Afterwards, I went to IHop with a few fellow employees (some of the coolest people in the world). AKA: David, Becca, Amanda, and Iggy.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
You guys completely saved me today believe it or not. Also, for helping me out with the Reagan issue... I owe you my life and my paycheck, LMAO. Thanks, really.
That's all I wanted to say for now. Just drove home and currently getting ready for bed, completely lonely. Still down in the dumps, but I have a good day to look forward to tomorrow, so this bum needs her rest. Hehe. *lovies*. |
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| Dissocating |
[May. 21st, 2005|11:23 pm] |
Earlier today I had a really weird experience. I was talking to one of the nurses at the hospital about my past (very vaquely) and I just went into a totally different world. I was a little girl again it was like I was watching a movie with no sound and I couldn't fight back or scream. I could hear Tara talking (nurse) and I was responding to her but I was so out of it. She told me that I was shivering and saying how cold I was (when I was younger I remember a situation where I was screaming for a blanket) after about 1/2 hour she put on some music and I came back to reality...I was really shaken and kept asking if she had hurt me and what had happened...she told me she really didn't know and that she thinks I had disassociated. They sedated me because I couldn't stop shaking...I am really confused about what's happening...anyone else have this experience?
Anyway, I'm just having a really bad time as of lately. It's mainly triggered by stress, which I've never really dealt with very well. I think I just need to talk to some people who trust me and aren't going to condemn me for this. |
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| BedTime |
[May. 17th, 2005|11:54 pm] |
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One sandal on the floor of a room encased in the smell of rotting food. Cross-legged on my bed I sat, grinding my teeth and sniffing my clean pyjamas. Garfield watched me from the corner, overloaded with item upon item upon item of clothing. I shivered with my bare legs and bare arms and bare existence before crawling between the covers and drifting off into a dreamless sleep. Such a sad life is this that it will all go stale and disintegrate when the clock stops ticking and the fire goes out in this head, in this heart, in this soul. The moon switches places with the sun and I breathe underwater before I drown in my misery. |
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| Broken Stomach |
[May. 11th, 2005|12:29 am] |
I was standing in the bathroom looking in the mirror, the top half of me naked. As I looked at my reflection, my hands reached to my stomach and I realized that large chunks of my stomach were falling away. It was like some sort of grotesque sponge and it was dark brown inside. I pulled at my flesh and even more fell away. I was amazed that it didn't hurt. As my navel came off I threw parts of my stomach into the bathtub and looked in the mirror again. All that was there were two small holes pouring with blood. My mother came into my bathroom and asked what I was doing. I quickly covered up my front and pulled back the shower curtain. She looked behind the curtain and asked why I had six pairs of different coloured slippers in the bathtub. I didn't know. She said I should have saved two pairs. Then she saw all the blood but it had turned dark down. I told her it was mud from the soles of the slippers.
END OF TRANSLATION |
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| I am so lonely... |
[May. 9th, 2005|09:49 am] |
I'm so lonely. How many times have I said that? I'm a broken record!
I'm alone in the house, skipped school because I woke up hella late and no one would give me a ride. Corey is at school, dad's out of town and mom's at work. But the only difference is that I can stay on the computer as long as I want and don't have to hide what site I'm on.
That's it.
My family is so absent from my life, that it makes no difference whether they're physically here or not.
I'm really suicidal. I have been for a while, but I really am. But I think this is a test, because mom and dad know I'm down and if I do anything they'll never leave me alone again. Ever. But I want out so bad. I spent hours today reading up on the finer points of death, the lethal doses of all the meds in the house, more unusual ways of kiling oneself. I've thought up some really interesting ones, that I know would work too. They just require some simple supplies.
Jeez. I just don't know.
I mean, I have no problem with the actual dying part...but it's what I leave behind. I don't believe in an afterlife, I don't believe that I'll be watching over people for the rest of their lives. But I can't stand the thought of leaving people miserable, or leaving my messes for people to clean up. Or having unfinished business, or ruining someone's life. Or finding out I really did have a better friend than I thought, and absolutely destroying them with my death. It will mean nothing to me; I'll be dead. But it will mean everything to them.
And as I'm alive now, I'm already dealing with that torture for even considering it.
It's. Not. Fair.
Why do I even have to KNOW people? Why couldn't I have been born into a box, and left in a dark room my whole life? Or even better, why couldn't I have been born at all? Oh god if you're there, if you can really hear me, can you tell me why I am here? Why the HELL did you put me here? Even if it's not meant for me to die physically, be it by my own hand or accidental, I'm going to die emotionally one way or another. I AM dying emotionally. I'm crippled I can't come back. Nothing helps anymore, I tried just get drunk or high for years, and then the hurt comes back more prominent than ever.
oh god, why did you DO this to me? |
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| Summer Smiles... CD 1 & 2 |
[Apr. 29th, 2005|08:11 pm] |
Thankies so much to LaChelle, my absolute love.
CD ONE
1. "Let me be your wings" by Barry Manilow
2. "Go" by Moby
3. "Brown eyed girl" by Van Morrison
4. "Teardrop" by Massive Attack
5. "Break on through" by The Doors
6. "Gay Bar" by Electric Six
7. "Stand and deliver" by Adam Ant
8. "Ring of fire" by Johnny Cash
9. "Are you experienced?" by Jimi Hendrix
10. "Silence (DJ Tiesto's in search of sunrise remix)" Sarah McLachlan
11. "If you want blood" by AC/DC
12. "Leather" by Tori Amos
13. "Singin' in the rain" by Gene Kelly
14. "Summertime" by DJ jazzy jeff and the fresh prince
15. "Everybody knows" by Leonard Cohen
16. "Mr. Blue Sky" by Electric Light Orchestra
CD TWO
1. "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks
2. "Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da" by the Beatles
3. "Da funk" by Daft Punk
4. "Around the world" by Daft Punk
5. "Tear off your own head" by Elvis Costello
6. "Shock the monkey" by Coal Chamber
7. "The boys of summer" by the Ataris
8. "Into the mystic" by Van Morrison
9. "Crossfire" by Stevie Ray Vaughn
10. "Run like hell" by Pink Floyd
11. "Just another" by Pete Yorn
12. "The window" by The Mars Volta
13. "12 black rainbows" by Type O Negative
14. "The audience is listening" by Steve Vai |
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| Websiteness |
[Apr. 28th, 2005|05:57 pm] |
So, I'm going to spend the first couple weeks of my summer finalizing a website I've been working with offline. It wont include anything that you saw on my old site considering... I have tons of new work to display that hardley anyone knows about. I can't wait to put it on display for all of you, a link will be coming soon. Granted everything will be under construction, but this time I actually plan on finishing it. I have all of the pictures and such that I'm going to need. I just need filler, you know stories and such.
<3 <3 <3
Documentation would be a good description for the site. It's not going to be flashy (then again it never was)... it's just going to be me. Slightly to the left of chaotic <3.
As of right now, I'm writing out graduation invites and my hand hurts. Took a brake to que in you LJ peoples, it's going to be a long month. *grunts*.
Also, thanks *****! Seeing you this afternoon helped me establish a middle ground in our relationship. I was afraid that everything was going to crash and burn, that I was going to lose my second extended brother (next to only John of course). You know I do this because I love you, I just want the best for you and that doesn't involve the distructive road you've been traveling as of lately. You think you're untouchable and you're not sweetheart. Anyway, I'll email you later tonight to spill my heart out personally. Brother's day on the computer, you know. <3 If I don't email try an call me whenever you get back from your show!!! |
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| Essay: Point Score 6 of 6, HECK YES!!! |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|11:23 pm] |
Education is based not in books, but in practical experience.
There is a basic philosophical tension between theory and practice, basic and applied science, learning and doing, head and hand. Not surprisingly, professors hold books in high esteem. But students are often frustrated by the abstract, seemingly impractical nature of traditional instruction through textbooks and assigned readings. Students hunger for real experiences that teach practical skills and demonstrate clear links between classroom work and practical application.
Tomorrow's leaders and professionals need to work with the tools of their trades, to develop the crucial personal qualities-interpersonal skills, moral judgment, decision making under pressure-that are required for success in real world situations. In fields as diverse as construction and medicine, one thing is certain: experience counts. No matter how many blueprints or books on architecture an aspiring carpenter reads, there is no substitute for working on a construction crew. The same is true for the aspiring physician. An effective bedside manner is learned next to the patient's bed, not in a study carrel. Doctors must read case histories and study theories of treatment, but doctors also need to see patients, listen to them explain their symptoms, and see the outcome of various therapies. Doctors can't just read about how to perform surgery; they need to practice their artistry with a scalpel in hand.
Despite the immense value of practical experience, it must also be acknowledged that books provide the basics. Certain fundamentals are required in any course of study, and books are an appropriate starting point. For instance, in preparation for a medical career, one must be familiar and comfortable with many facts of science. Without a thorough understanding of biochemistry and anatomy, one can hardly be expected to learn much through practical experience. In this case, the professors are right to stress the importance of books. Mastering the content of a subject is a vital first step.
Beyond content, books also educate by teaching students how to think, not just what to know. Often books are the stimulus for creative processes, and they are also a medium for reflection on past experiences. Ethical and moral dilemmas are explored in literature, for example, and the perceptive student who ponders these questions will be better prepared to face them in practical situations. Furthermore, medical students, as well as trained physicians, will find it valuable to read of new discoveries, theories, and the outcome of various studies in the hundreds of books published each year in the medical field.
Reading and doing, head and hand, these seemingly polar opposite approaches to learning, are actually complementary. What we learn from books prepares us for applying that knowledge in real life situations. Similarly, our experiences "on the job" may send us back to books for deeper study or thoughtful contemplation. |
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| STOP... |
[Apr. 22nd, 2005|12:45 am] |
Have you ever listened to what nature had to say? Or, for that matter, has nature ever listened to us? We give birth to beautiful arrays of bright colors that use the meadow as their canvas, and what do we get in return? A beautiful sight.
Have you ever wanted to play God? An insect is to you, what you are to a tiger. You can beat this, soon you'll be walking on Cloud 9. Blissful, isn't it? All you have to do it kill the pest. Firmly grasp it, smother it. What have you done? Not only have you mangled something innocent, but you've commited a murder. Life, it's so simple. A transition can come about just like that.
Life dangles by a thread, you own it. You own anyones'. But don't rest assured, they have your life, too. It's not all rainbows and butterflies until you realized plans can backfire. It's all part of the big game. |
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| The Pothead Conversations |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|05:49 pm] |
I could probably write a book outlining all of the silly conversations I've had with people as of lately, granted they've all been "high" or in some other way... "fucked up". Therefore making the conversation absolutely mind numbing to yours truely, but we wont get into that right now.
Person 1 decided it was cool to completely throw away her education because she's been making money in the illegal prescription drug business. Person 2 attracts cops to my school that want to search my shit and everyone else associated with that person. Person 3 thinks it's hilarious to flaunt that they're ungodly high to everyone they talk to, seriously... grow the fuck up. Person 4 found the opportunity to stash their shit in my car, so their parents wouldn't find it. My toilet really enjoyed all of it <3. And last... person 5 called me to bitch about drug laws. Now, I don't support the laws, but that's for personal reasons. If you have a sincere problem with the law... I suggest you get your own shit straight before whining to me about it cause I honestly don't give a shit.
Point of story... I tried to help all five of these people and my efforts were useless. I talked with some of them for hours. Found it hilarious that people I find the most conversive in my life couldn't admit their problems to me. Some of them even lied saying they don't smoke and just lie saying they do. Either way, you're screwed in the head for wanting that kind of attention. So, I was caught with blank stares and silent phone calls. There comes a point when I just can't do anything else. |
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| *GAG* |
[Apr. 17th, 2005|03:22 pm] |
Tori Amos isn't at all who she used to be and it deeply saddens me. Her new album The Beekeeper just doesn't hit that familiar Amos sound. Personally, I used to be one of her biggest fans *sigh*. Not saying I don't appreciate her as an artist, I do. I'm just deciding to jump off the bandwagon on this one. <3.
Have any of you actually heard it?
RIBBONS UNDONE
--------------
She's a girl
Rising from a shell
Running to spring
It is her time it is her time
Watch her run with ribbons undone
She's a rose in a lily's cloak
She can hide her charms
It is her right there will be time
To chase the sun with ribbons undone
She runs like a fire does
Just picking up daises
Comes in for a landing
A pure flash of lightening
Past alice blue blossoms
You follow her laughter
And then she'll surprise you
Arms filled with lavender
Yes my little pony is growing up fast
She corrects me and says
"You mean a thoroughbred"
A look in her eyes says the battle's beginning
From school she comes home and cries
I don't want to grow up Mom at last not tonight
You're a girl
Rising from a shell
Running through spring
With summer's hand in reach now
It is your time
It is your time
So just run with ribbons undone
It is your time yes my angel
It is your time
So just run with ribbons undone
Run run darlin'
Ribbons undone |
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| LJ Stalker= Jackie |
[Apr. 2nd, 2005|01:59 am] |
| urwastedsmile's LJ stalker is me_taedet! | | me_taedet is stalking you because they think you are rich and they want your blingbling. They are also getting jiggy with your best friend! |
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| NO WAR. |
[Mar. 31st, 2005|09:00 pm] |
*STOLEN FROM CODY BECAUSE I ABSOLUTELY ADORE HIS POLITICAL AWARENESS*
"To those who have called me a coward I say that they are wrong, and that without knowing it, they are also right. They are wrong when they think that I left the war for fear of being killed. I admit that fear was there, but there was also the fear of killing innocent people, the fear of putting myself in a position where to survive means to kill, there was the fear of losing my soul in the process of saving my body, the fear of losing myself to my daughter, to the people who love me, to the man I used to be, the man I wanted to be. I was afraid of waking up one morning to realize my humanity had abandoned me."
- Sgt. Camilo Mejia, who served one year in prison for refusing to return to fight in Iraq. He was released from prison Feb. 15, 2005. |
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| #58 |
[Mar. 27th, 2005|02:32 pm] |
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You are miscellaneous in this land, Signorina. You work day and night for the big men in suits and medallions. They pay you weekly in locust beans and dry bread and when there’s an accident you’re jotted down as ‘worker number 58′ because you’re too humble to have a name. You’re here to serve them, serve the bastards who hate you and rape you, the ones who leave you bleeding because you’re just a toy. Abortion after abortion and you stand strong, serve the people who kill you. Step away from it all and say your name, give them a number. Run. |
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| Consored by Administration |
[Mar. 24th, 2005|04:36 pm] |
Let's Talk About ___ Baby
"This story has been censored by administration. And therefore because of that readers will not be able to read this story. Thanks to everybody who commented. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration. This story has been censored by administration." -Health Careers HS, The Voice 2005. |
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| CONTACT: RENT |
[Mar. 21st, 2005|12:13 am] |
GROUP A
Hot-Hot-Hot-Sweat-Sweet
Wet-Wet-Wet-Red-Heat
Hot-Hot-Hot-Sweat-Sweet
Wet-Wet-Wet-Red Heat
Please Don't Stop Please
Please Don't Stop Stop
Stop Stop Stop Don't
Please Please Please Please
Hot-Hot-Hot-Sweat-Sweet
Wet-Wet-Wet-Red-Heat
Sticky-Licky-Trickle-Tickle
Steamy-Creamy-Stroking-Soaking
GROUP B
Hot-Hot-Hot-Sweat-Sweet-Wet-Wet-Wet
Red-Heat
COLLINS
Touch
MAUREEN
Taste!
MIMI
Deep!
COLLINS
Dark!
MAUREEN
Kiss!
COLLINS
Beg!
MIMI
Slap!
MIMI, MAUREEN & COLLINS
Fear!
COLLINS
Thick!
COLLINS, MIMI & MAUREEN
Red, Red
Red, Red,
Red, Red - Please
MAUREEN
Harder
ANGEL
Faster
MAUREEN
Wetter
MIMI
Bastard!
COLLINS
You Whore!
MAUREEN
You Cannibal!
MIMI & ANGEL
More!
MAUREEN
You Animal!
MAUREEN, COLLINS & MIMI
Fluid No Fluid No Contact Yes
No Contact
ALL
Fire Fire Burn-Burn Yes!
No Latex Rubber Rubber
Fire Latex Rubber Latex Bummer
Lover Bummer
ANGEL
Take Me
Take Me
Today For You
Tomorrow For Me
Today Me
Tomorrow You
Tomorrow You
Love
You
Love You
I Love
You I Love
You!
Take Me
Take Me
I Love You
ROGER'S VOICE
Um
JOANNE'S VOICE
Wait
MIMI'S VOICE
Slipped
COLLINS' VOICE
Shit
JOANNE'S VOICE
Ow!
ROGER'S VOICE
Where'd It Go?
MIMI'S VOICE
Safe
COLLINS' VOICE
Damn
MAUREEN'S VOICE
I Think I Missed
Don't Get Pissed
ALL
It Was Bad For Me - Was It Bad For You?
JOANNE
It's Over
MAUREEN
It's Over
ROGER
It's Over
MIMI
It's Over
COLLINS
It's Over |
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| *grunts* |
[Mar. 14th, 2005|12:29 am] |
Wam Bam, Thank You Ma'am...
Alls I know is people better not do stupid shit while I'm gone. For some dumb reason or another by leaving I feel like I'm being a really shitting baby sitter to some really annoying people.
Oh well, sooner or later we all have to do things on our own. Mwahaha. Awe shit.
Well, I'm off to NYC for the week. Hope you don't miss me too much sweethearts. |
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| I think I love you... |
[Mar. 11th, 2005|08:03 pm] |
SkeletalDancer: babe, thank you so much for talking to me last night... it meant sooo much
AccidentalFrenzy: No hello?
SkeletalDancer: sorry, hi :)
AccidentalFrenzy: Now what about last night?
AccidentalFrenzy: Sabrina, you there kid?
SkeletalDancer: I've just been in a terrible mood as of lately... I hate everyone other than you, I feel like a fucking bloated cow... *grunts* and my grades are fucking horrible this nine weeks... plus I don't even want to try to "fix" things with my boyfriend
AccidentalFrenzy: Slow down, Jesus.
SkeletalDancer: sorry, I just don't know who else to talk to right now
AccidentalFrenzy: You wouldn't talk to me last night, what happened?
SkeletalDancer: I'm not a phone person sorry...
SkeletalDancer: anyway, yeah and I have to leave to NY in a couple days... I don't have time for bullshit, you know?
AccidentalFrenzy: Just do whatever makes you happy, I tell you this everytime we talk.
AccidentalFrenzy: If you want to lose a couple pounds go for it.
AccidentalFrenzy: Work harder next 9 weeks to balance your semester grade....
AccidentalFrenzy: Your boyfriend's a nice guy from what I can tell, maybe ask him for a break? Just talk to him.
SkeletalDancer: I need a break, a serious fucking break...
SkeletalDancer: a serious fucking break from life
AccidentalFrenzy: Don't we all sweetheart, but you can't do that. Realistically, what do you want to do?
SkeletalDancer: have you come over...
AccidentalFrenzy: Lol, that's not going to make everything better
SkeletalDancer: yeah, but I just... ugh
SkeletalDancer: I don't know, I just feel really confused and I don't know who to trust anymore
AccidentalFrenzy: and you trust me?
SkeletalDancer: more than god himself, you know that... we've been through a lot of the same shit, you see things as I see them
AccidentalFrenzy: Ok, I need you to do something for me...
AccidentalFrenzy: I competely understand the grades, but explain the weight and the boyfriend issues
SkeletalDancer: well, you know about the weight thing... we talked about it at school
SkeletalDancer: about how I feel presured to lose weight again
SkeletalDancer: I just want to be perfect again, I feel like I'm letting go of who I really am
AccidentalFrenzy: Aren't we all?
SkeletalDancer: you're different though, you're changing for the better
AccidentalFrenzy: Ok.
AccidentalFrenzy: Your boyfriend?
SkeletalDancer: it's not him at all, I just don't feel attached to anything or anyone right now
AccidentalFrezy: Because of your therapy or mistrust?
SkeletalDancer: I think my therapy is causing distrust
SkeletalDancer: after what happened with Tyler... I wrote a letter promising myself to never love a boy again
SkeletalDancer: I can't explain it, relationships hurt me... they hurt a lot
SkeletalDancer: I don't show it, but they really bother me... somewhere deep inside and I can't explain it
AccidentalFrenzy: Sounds like the opposite of my problem
SkeletalDancer: what the fuck, you have a worse problem than I do bud
AccidentalFrenzy: This isn't about me.
SkeletalDancer: we are just two fucked up peas in a poda arent we, *****?
AccidentalFrenzy: I'm not going to argue with you, we both know it's true.
AccidentalFrenzy: I don't understand why you're so afraid of being helped... it sounds to me like all your boyfriend's trying to do is help and you're pushing him away.
SkeletalDancer: I'm not pushing him away, he just doesn't understand
AccidentalFrenzy: Make him understand then. Boys can't read your mind, Brie.
SkeletalDancer: boys don't understand why I want to weigh as little as possible and disappear either
AccidentalFrenzy: I could talk to Scott for you.
SkeletalDancer: that's a wonderful thing to say, but you don't need to
SkeletalDancer: I'm going to post this in my LJ if you don't mind... can you come over please?
AccidentalFrenzy: I'll see what I can do... |
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